Reaching Equilibrium: My Journey to Embrace My Genderqueer Style and Myself
Growing up, I always felt a tug in a direction I didn’t have the words to describe. There were hints of it in childhood, and over the years, the feeling grew stronger. But for a long time, anxiety and shame kept that part of me hidden. I felt uncertain about what it might mean to embrace my genderqueer identity, and honestly, for a while, I wasn’t sure how it could fit into the life I was building. Now, as an adult, I’m learning to embrace who I am as a genderqueer, nonbinary person in ways that feel joyful, confident, and free—even if it hasn’t always been easy.
A lot of this journey is, of course, about style. Growing up, I’d admired the athletic fashion aesthetic—leggings, crop tops, and outfits that say “I’m here, I’m confident, and yes, check me out!” But it wasn’t just about the clothes. It was about wanting to feel both cute and comfortable, wearing something that let me express who I was and celebrate my body with a confidence that felt authentic. The outfits women wore to gyms or out for coffee, styled with an effortless kind of “look at me” vibe, spoke to me. But actually putting those pieces on myself felt like a huge leap.
For years, fear and self-doubt kept me from exploring that style. What would people think? Could I face the looks or the questions? The urge to fit into expected roles kept me from fully exploring how I wanted to present myself. Even in private moments, I would second-guess myself, feeling both the euphoria of putting on something that felt so me and the anxiety of going against a lifetime of deeply ingrained “shoulds.”
Embracing Genderqueer Authenticity, Little by Little
For me, reaching “equilibrium” has been about finding balance—a place where I can feel both confident and comfortable expressing my true, genderqueer self in everyday life. This journey hasn’t been about one big leap but rather a series of small, steady steps.
It began with experimenting in the privacy of my home: leggings with longer tops that felt like a safe way to explore this look. As I grew more comfortable, I started testing the waters outside, including the first unplanned day I wore leggings and a shorter top in public—a moment that both terrified and empowered me. Over time, I’ve continued to expand my comfort zone, reaching points I hadn’t imagined before, like wearing cropped tops to co-working spaces and even out on dates with Sam.
Each of these moments has been a step forward, each with its own story and impact. Here’s how it all unfolded.
Getting Started with Leggings
My journey toward reaching equilibrium in my gender expression started with a simple yet transformative choice: I began wearing leggings as a trail runner. The moment I put on running tights, everything I had suppressed in my youth resurfaced, and with it came a wave of gender euphoria I hadn’t anticipated. It was like a floodgate had opened, bringing back memories, feelings, and a sense of self I’d pushed aside. This one step, as simple as it seemed, fundamentally changed my life.
In those early days, I wore leggings almost as an add-on to a traditionally male-oriented style—essentially treating them as pants, but with the rest of the outfit sticking to familiar “masculine” elements. It was a clunky combination, but it worked as a safe starting point, giving me room to explore while still feeling somewhat protected. I focused heavily on modesty, doing what I could to hide my bulge as a crutch against my shame and anxiety. I’ve even shared more about that anxiety around my bulge and my journey to confront it in this post.
Gradually, I began developing an androgynous style that felt more authentic to me, pulling inspiration from feminine fashion, incorporating tunic tops and drop-shoulder styles that offered a touch of softness and flow. I wore these outfits in the safety of home and around family at first, slowly finding comfort in experimenting with new silhouettes. I shared more about building this capsule wardrobe and my style evolution in this post.
Starting this way in 2021 gave me a steady, slow approach to building confidence and shaping my personal aesthetic. With each step, I felt a little closer to equilibrium, and today, in 2024, I can see how that early journey laid the foundation for where I am now.
For more about how I first explored wearing leggings as pants, you can check out this post.
Finding Confidence in Unexpected Places
One of the first times I wore leggings and a shorter top in public wasn’t planned—it happened almost by accident. Looking back, it was a day that would change so much for me.
It was early spring, in 2023, a cold and cloudy day that felt perfect for layering up. I was at my parents’ house with the kids; Sam was at a fencing tournament that day.
I’d been exploring ways to achieve a sense of gender comfort when wearing leggings, especially in managing my bulge in a way that felt good. After a lot of searching, I’d finally found a compression thong from Urbody Co that truly worked for me. If you want to learn more about my journey into gender inclusive underwear checkout this post.
It was a revelation—it felt like the missing piece, and I’d been wearing this particular look around my own house for a few months by then. In familiar, safe spaces with family, like at my sister’s house, I’d felt comfortable dressing this way. But public? That was a whole different thing.
But on this particular day upon arriving at my folks house looking and feeling cute my mom had an idea. She wanted to take the kids to a local sugar shack, a hobby farm out in the countryside where they could learn about maple syrup and see a quaint hobby farm. My mom knew the farm owners from her church and thought it would be a fantastic outing.
Inside, I felt like I was on fire and frozen solid at the same time. My heart pounded. I’d dreamed about going out like this for so long, but I was terrified of doing it. Still, the idea of going felt thrilling, too, like a huge step forward.
So, “Awesome!” I said. And off we went.
As we pulled up to the sugar shack, I felt a new wave of anxiety wash over me. The place was busier than I expected—there were more people than I could have imagined for a tiny sugar farm out in the middle of Sparta, Michigan. I stepped out of the van, and every nerve felt like it was firing. My mind raced with fears: What would people think? Would they notice me? Would I draw stares or, worse, whispers? Or would they demand I leave, get angry and even violent? I didn’t know but it was do or don’t… So I did.
The day kept moving forward. The kids ran off to explore, buzzing with excitement. We sampled fresh maple syrup, learned how trees are tapped, and even fed the goats and visited the chickens. I found myself talking with the farm owners, engaging in conversation like any other parent visiting a farm with their kids.
Nothing bad happened. All the internalized shame, all the warnings my mind had constructed about stepping out in this way, never came to pass. I was simply myself, in public, and the world went on.
The feeling was incredible—a massive, affirming sense of gender euphoria that I still carry with me. I realized that day that maybe all the limitations I’d felt, the walls I’d built, weren’t insurmountable after all. The experience didn’t just boost my confidence; it reminded me that I could trust myself to show up in the world as I am. The equilibrium I was striving for felt that much closer, as though I’d taken a giant leap toward my authentic self.
Stepping Out and Wearing Leggings and Crop Tops in Public
This summer, I reached a new level of confidence, stepping out in outfits that felt fully aligned with my identity. For the first time, I began wearing leggings and cropped tops not just at home, but out in my own neighborhood. It started with small things—wearing these outfits while doing yard work, then edging further as I joined my kids at the playground, walked around local yard sales, and even attended our community potlucks. Each experience helped build my confidence in expressing myself more openly in everyday spaces.
An unexpected part of my journey has been discovering the power of gender-inclusive underwear. It’s not a detail that gets much attention in broader conversations about gender expression, but for me, finding the right underwear has been pivotal. It’s made me feel secure, comfortable, and aligned, and has driven my growth in this direction more than I could have imagined.
One of the most affirming milestones this year was a joint date night with friends and my spouse, Sam. We went out together, and for the first time, I felt completely free to dress in a way that was “super queer and cute”—showing off the style I love. It was a night that left me with a huge sense of gender euphoria, a feeling of belonging to myself, and a deep appreciation for the people around me who accept me as I am.
Of course, I’d love to say it’s all sunshine and roses, but the reality of equilibrium isn’t always straightforward. Sam has been my biggest champion, unconditionally in my corner, but our relationship has also been a journey. She loves me and accepts me as I am, but it’s fair to say that my style doesn’t spark the same excitement in her as it does for me. She’s always been supportive, but her personal preference leans toward my more classically masculine looks. And we’ve had countless open conversations to navigate this balance together.
Finding equilibrium means learning to make space for both our needs. Some days, that means dressing in ways that Sam loves, while other days are about embracing the styles that feel right to me. Honestly, this balance has enriched my sense of both masculinity and femininity, allowing me to feel more at home in each. It’s an ongoing journey, but one that’s bringing me closer to a steady, genuine expression of myself that fits within the life I share with those I love.
A Journey, Not a Destination
Reaching equilibrium isn’t about reaching a place where all fear disappears; it’s about finding a balance that lets me keep moving forward, even when anxiety or self-doubt still show up. Each moment of growth—from the first time I wore leggings on a trail run to wearing a cropped top at a neighborhood potluck, to stepping out on a date with Sam dressed in a way that feels truly me—has built up my confidence, helping me feel at home in my body and my clothes.
For me, this journey has been about so much more than style. Yes, leggings and crop tops have become a part of my expression, but the journey goes deeper: it’s about learning to honor myself as I am, with all my complexities. I’ve learned to find peace in showing up authentically, whether that means leaning into the feminine, the masculine, or something entirely my own.
Through every step, every conversation, and every outfit, I’m realizing that being genderqueer means embracing all the parts of myself—even the parts that don’t fit neatly into anyone else’s categories. I’m grateful for the euphoria that comes from self-expression, and I’m learning to carry it with me, even when there’s anxiety alongside it. Finding equilibrium has meant letting go of expectations and allowing myself to live as me, knowing that each step brings me closer to the balance I’ve been seeking.
So here I am, still growing, still learning, and finding my equilibrium, one outfit—and one day—at a time.
