2023 a year in review

Hey - it’s been a minute.

Actually it has been several. How many minutes in a few months??

I guess that’s okay but honestly who has a blog an then doesn’t publsih any content for months and months??

This guy! Oh yeah….

Any hoo it’s not that I don’t have things to write. In fact I have about 12 posts on draft but it is so easy to start something and then start another thing and another thing and before you know it nothing has happened on the blog.

The good thing is this problem is only really present here on this specific website.

My life is progressing nicely. And given this blog was started as a way to work through ideas and emotions and questions I guess the long quiet means many of those initial reasons have been made redundant. Huzzah!

So what’s new in my life you ask?

Well….

If I look back at the beginning of this year and draw a line to today for the most part it is a wonderful upward trendline in self acceptance and forward progress in my health and well being and gender expression.

This year I have made major strides in giving myself grace and self love and accepting myself and giving myself permission to be me. I have expanded my fashion to new fabrics and styles and I have thoroughly embraced shopping both sections of the department store. I have built up the courage to take women’s and men’s marketed apparel into the fitting room and try things on at the store! If you would have told me a year ago I’d be trying on women’s clothes in a public fitting room and walking out to get advice and opinions from my wife, I’d have told you you were hallucinating.

This year I came out to my family, dearest friends and neighbors about my gender identity. I have since updated certain social profiles and filed in offiial paperwork as nonbinary, eeek! I have been able to be open about it within my men’s group and shared with newer friends. I have attended business events and shared my story with attendants and made an effort to dress and present as myself regardless of the room I am walking into. Most recently I attended my parents church as myself and interacted with individuals who have known me since I was child. Again at the beginning of the year I was still petrified about sharing such details or being myself in such settings and now I am proudly walking forward into these settings - SO COOL!

This year was also the first time I have received actual negative commentary on my gender expression. It happened on a day filled with monumental firsts. The first time I have a cheeky swim brief on the beach woth my family. It was a wonderful afternoon of playing in the waves and sand with my kids and wearing exactly what I’ve wanted to wear on the beach for years and years. But it was a first for being mocked by strangers. Folks who I ha never met before. I didn’t know their names, ages, occupation, education. Nothing. They didn’t know anything about me either. The whole moment was seconds, but it stuck with me for hours and days.

As we were unpacking the kids from the wagon and getting soggy and sandy kids into our little Airbnb two folks were walking by on the street and they simply said “You slay queen.” Which honestly was sort of gender affirming - except the tone wasn’t positive or nice it was a mocking tone and was immediately followed by laughter and a high five. I was devastated. I dwelled on it for a very long time. I still do sometimes.

But I have chosen to let that moment remind me of two big things. First, they saw me for what I am presenting. A feminine person. They saw my presentation and didn’t comment about my gender. They mocked me sure but they did see me and they were sure I was a queen! Second I got the first bad experience out of the way. The first cut is the deepest so to speak. It wasn’t fun. I don’t want to have it happen again but it is over and I am stronger and more resilient than before.

The final thing I experienced this year was that my relationship with my wife has really improved. There were a lot of reasons it was hard. Three young kids. A cross country move and career change for my wife. Starting school and the stress of juggling schedules and self sacrifice for the sake of your children. Marriage in the early years of building a family is immensely hard. Toss in the turmoil of your partner coming out as nonbinary and changing their gender presentation - oh yeah things got tougher.

Back in 2021 I wrote a blog post about what my wife thinks about me wearing leggings. I left a lot out of that piece. Not because I wanted to lie but because I trusted we’d get to the place we are today. Also because I didn’t want to paint my wife in any particular light and put words in her mouth with poor context and where she couldn’t do her talking for herself. So I glossed over her worries and anxieties over her husband hanging before her eyes and left it as a simple silly blog post.

What I have learned all these years later was that my wife is attracted to me. Not my fashion. Not my job. Not my opinions. Early in my process of coming out and processing all the emotions and stresses and worries of changing my gender presentation coupled with being an entrepreneur and raising a young family my confidence disappeared. I was constantly seeking approval and verbally processing many of my emotions with her. It was too much. It wasn’t necessarily her burden to bare. It caused a great deal of marital stress.

This year I have really found my confidence. I have found my commitment to being me. I have come out and gotten exposure therapy so to speak and it has been amazing for my self image and my self confidence. Instead of seeking approval and acceptance I know I have it. This may seem like such a trivial and simple thing but by becoming myself and accepting myself and regaining my confidence our relationship has been renewed.

I credit a lot of this growth to spending time in therapy. What I thought would be all about gender has really become about developing emotional intelligence and learning how to hold space. How to let other people’s emotions stay with them. How to be okay that other people aren’t adopting your emotions. I can be happy and she can exhausted at the same time. I can be ashamed and seeking safety and she can be oblivious to me and focused on the children and that is okay. Therapy has taught me that if she asks for something I think is stupid I can still do the task for her. Therapy has helped me grow so much more than just developing my own self confidence it has helped me become a better husband and father and seeing the results in my children and wife is all the more reason to continue to pursue it.

In closing, 2023 has been a lot. High high and low lows but I am really seeing the trendline of positive growth that has been fueled by small consistent daily work on simple things. Looking forward to 2024 and hopefully another year of the same kind of growth and progress.