Wrestling with my desire to share my life versus living my life.

I started this whole blog and social media thing a few years ago while I was wrestling with my desires to start wearing men’s leggings for fashion. Not the occasional outfit and not just around the house, but truly establish a look and fashion around wearing men’s legging habitually.

To that end I have had a wild success.

In many ways, at the start of my journey, sharing this stuff socially - especially on Instagram helped me. I know that seems odd. Isn’t the internet - especially the public internet - the most dangerous place on Earth??

The simple reasoning was my wife wasn’t ready to have detailed and tough conversations with me. I wasn’t ready to share with my friends and family. I was deeply ashamed of what I was desiring and scared to make it known to even my most distant peer groups. Where else could I explore this but online.

Now a few years in my wife and I have gone through the entire emotional rollercoaster and have had extremely hard conversation and taken the time to go through all the emotions of dealing with big changes in gender expression and what that means for our relationship and family.

Those conversations were too hard to approach in the beginning but in many ways my social posting and writing helped me to build momentum and confidence and eventually we had to talk. It wasn’t a walk in the park. It wasn’t always civil. But it was eventually extremely healthy.

We had to relearn big things about ourselves our own personal traumas and biases and weaknesses as well our strengths and in many ways we had to redevelop our marriage. Toss in raising twins under the age of two, a cross-country move and starting our first child in public school with my wife changing careers and the whole thing sounds like a K Drama.

But again sharing my life and my anxieties and my progress publicly helped me find a way to hold myself accountable and to have my own catharsis so that this could even get anywhere.

I think it was instrumental for me, for us.

But I need to have this evolve a bit. I need to remember what I am doing and not get lost in the spectacle of social media.

I think I did get lost for a bit.

I think I let myself get lost in sharing my life instead of living my life.

I write this with no idea what I am gong to do with the Extra Alexx in 2023.

I have never had a plan.

But I did like seeing my followers grow. I did like collecting hearts. But that started to color my posts and I’ve noticed it affecting the way I have approached Extra Alexx - especially my Instagram channel.

Again I don’t know what I am doing.

But I think I need to be more mindful of whatever it is that I am doing.